every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
my penis made a compromise with my morals
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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