If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
