I molested 6 butterflies tonight
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Randomize
