Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
