i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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