my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
