Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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