TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
