You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
