I want to make a zoo with you.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
