Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
i drank out of a bidet.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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