When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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