her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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