Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Randomize