If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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