i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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