I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Randomize
