Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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