He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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