Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
