Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
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Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
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The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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