Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
