Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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