there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just want to make out with him forever
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
