Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
