Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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