you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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