Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
