Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
What a dumb baby whore.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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