When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
