sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Jerry, you need to find god
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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