Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
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She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
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Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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