just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
