When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
