remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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