My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
