Can Purell be used as lube?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
