plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
