So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
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Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
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i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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