When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
