I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
