I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
