I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
