her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize