I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
