It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
