I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
