i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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