just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
