My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
