She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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