no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
