I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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