i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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