i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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